I've kept quiet on the entire subject of mommy drinking during playdates because the intensity of the debates created a curiously loud sucking noise in my head. Kind of like any mention of Fox news, you know? But today I saw yet another excruciatingly dumb study aimed at telling mommies that they don't measure up, and I just had to comment.
These studies are amazing. And they are wrapped in - can I just say it? -- absolute trash articles that reporters should blush to write. The pseudo-logical gem that gets my personal "Idiot Psychologist Run Amok" award is an article from 2000 called Saying "That's Great" May Not Be.
The premise of the "That's Great may not be" article is that you shouldn't praise your child unless you should. Well, duh.
But then, some writer decided to inflate this 20-second premise into a whole article, and came up with scintillating quotes like: "Some child-rearing experts say a steady stream of praise can turn children into praise addicts who lack confidence because they dismiss the value of the compliments." (Yeah. this is how your typical 3 year old thinks.) And of course they shoehorned in another expert saying that, while some parents overpraise, ''most parents don't praise enough. Praise is extremely important in building up a sense of children's own abilities. For psychologists to suggest that you should limit praise really undermines the idea of how we encourage children to feel good about themselves."
What is this trash? And why is it being dumped on parents by the boat load? Here's a theory: There are a lot of people out there who want to earn money. In order to justify earning it, they are selling anything that they can to "parents," because "parents" are a market segment. And "you suck" will almost always catch a parent's attention.
I once picked up a Cosmo magazine and was appalled Not only were the styles ghastly, but every single article carried the message "You suck, but if you do THIS to your hair, your body, your clothes, then ... you'll be able to pass and maybe some man will have sex with you." Wow. What utter garbage. But this time-proven "Let us tell you how you suck THIS time" approach really bothers me when it's aimed at parents.
If you're an overscheduled parent, scanning this psych quote-larded garbage while frantically multitasking, the "you suck because a study says so" article undermines two things: first off, your gut instincts, which should be generated by your cultural knowlege, memories, knowledge, personality, parenting style, and logic. (Not to mention the occasional phone call to your mom, even if she's really irritating.) Secondly, it undermines your confidence - and confidence is one of the most important things that a parent can have.
"Don't praise your kids." What an incredibly stupid thing to write about! If your kid is having developmental problems or is at a stage where they are afraid to go down the slide, have a tendency to fight with others, don't always wait their turn, are afraid of the slide, or whatever other thing, of COURSE you will praise them! But of course an article that says "You should pay attention to your kid and your kid's development and do the things that you think are the right things to do" is ... dull. It doesn't stir up controversy. Hard to get talking heads to argue over something so sensible. Or even one of those swashbuckling, female-baiting fembots.
And so we come to the new article that raises my hackles.
Study links big egos in youths to programs for self-esteem is the title that the San Jose Mercury gave the article, although the original article's title is: "Gen Y's Ego Trip takes a Nasty Turn," and it seems like one of the most amazing pieces of crap research that I've seen in a long time.
According to this article, there's a new study out in which five "researchers ... looked at the results of psychological surveys taken by more than 16,000 college students across the country" since 1982.
According to the article, "the Narcissistic Personality Inventory asks students to react to such statements as: 'If I ruled the world, it would be a better place,' 'I think I am a special person' and 'I like to be the center of attention.'
The study found that thirty percent more college students showed elevated narcissism in 2006 than in 1982."
Clearly shocking news, that someone older would find youth to be narcissistic, although seriously, with those questions, what would they expect? If the kids think that they could do a better job running the country, well ... who says they're not right? But let's move on. Here's where it gets amazing to me (and BTW, the ostensibly academic leader of the study is also promoting her paperback this very week. Tacky.)
Why is this so? (I kid you not.) "Some of the increase in narcissistic attitudes was probably caused by the self-esteem programs that many elementary schools adopted 20 years ago, the study suggests. It notes that nursery schools began to have children sing songs that proclaim: 'I am special, I am special. Look at me.'"
The report also claims that "Those youngsters are now adolescents obsessed with websites, such as MySpace and YouTube, that 'permit self-promotion far beyond that allowed by traditional media."
Let me see if I have this right. The new kids coming up are self-absorbed, shallow little jerks. This is because they sang "I'm a good kid" songs in ... preschool. It's also because they play on the computer and make pages on MySpace. Parents, you suck because you're too permissive and haven't banned "I'm a good kid" songs from preschools. And ... here's a new twist: KIDS, you suck, because ... well, you just do.
Ha. Patent bull-hockey. So the boomers, the most amazingly self-absorbed group of people in modern history, weren't even measured? Kids today are like vanilla pudding next to people like Abbie Hoffman and the cast of characters who worked hard to, oh, burn down their colleges and just incidentally throw over an entire social structure. Remember that decade? (And they're STILL narcissistic. Check out this little gem written by a boomer.) And need I mention the fact that the boomer generation practically invented the crystal, aromatherapy, and self-knowledge movements? Personification of narcissism, folks. Jeez. Like, have the writers of this stupid article even heard of Esalen?
I think that the thing that irritates me so much about this article is that the authors took an apparently serious study and turned it into idiocy. Perhaps some simple logic could have helped. Or a reading of the book by Twenge, who led the study.
Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - and more Miserable than Ever Before is the name of Twenge's book. It's apparently aimed at 18 year olds to 35 year olds, and she's now apparently trying to broaden her application of the data, despite the fact that nowadays preschoolers learn the days of the week in Chinese, how to read, and there is no mention of self.
Twenge is on a narcissism kick. She thinks that it's the cause for everything. OK. Whatever. Personally, I think that she should take into consideration parents who think of their children as extensions of themselves (e.g. multigenerational narcissism), the relentless pushing of children to achieve. as opposed to taking time to find real passions, and the over-intellectualizing of childhood. There's an interesting Rudolf Steiner quote which says that if you intellectually train children before the age of 5 or so (instead of focusing on their spirit and their selves), they turn into materialists. What about that?
Ah, well, I suppose a discussion of the pros and cons of the study wasn't what the authors were aiming for. They were aiming for a nice little talking head nugget that would be carried on the nightly news. And "You suck because your preschool works on self esteem" is certainly catchy, if totally moronic.
Gotta go. Some of the other mommies and I are meeting at Peets Coffee to "cleanse" the local Kindergarten curriculum of any pesky self-esteem propaganda. Thank GOODNESS I discovered this blight early on.
This first appeared on the Silicon Valley Mom's blog
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